


Walking Away

by Tabi



Category: Suzumiya Haruhi Series, Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu | The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi
Genre: Community: 31_days, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-08-31
Updated: 2009-08-31
Packaged: 2017-10-21 17:03:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/227538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tabi/pseuds/Tabi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kyon has ended up in a relationship with Koizumi. He's not sure how this happened nor how to make it progress, and Koizumi's manner doesn't make this any easier. Koizumi has his own reasons for confessing to Kyon, but isn't sure that they're the right ones.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Kyon Chapter: Questions that can't be asked

**Author's Note:**

> Based on two prompts from 31_days - chapter one is based on the prompt for the 30th of August 2009, "I wanted to see you walking away from me". Chapter two is based on the prompt for the 31st of August 2009, "someday I'm going to stay, but not today".

Kyon knows that this isn't what Koizumi wants.

Kyon sits at his desk, but knows that Koizumi is still lying on the bed behind him. Visiting under some pretence of homework, though Kyon knows Koizumi is a more dedicated student than that. If he really needed to sit down and do his homework then he would do precisely that but instead, he has come to Kyon's house. And Kyon doesn't need to turn around to know that Koizumi is still lying there, lost in the shallow world of whatever magazine it was he brought with him. Every once in a while he hears the turning of a page and supposes that he should be doing the same, but the longer he spends staring down at the blank page of his workbook, the less he feels inclined to continue. Koizumi is there, Koizumi will continue to be there--

He turns around and asks, "What do you want, Koizumi?"... this makes him pause, put the magazine aside, sit up, _smile_.

"Who said I wanted anything in particular?"

"You wouldn't be here if you didn't."

Kyon knows that this isn't exactly the case. Whatever Koizumi wants, he never says it out loud. Whenever Koizumi needs, he'd rather express it through touch and _those eyes_ and Kyon knows that that is one thing, but that there are others, others you can't quite express if you're not willing to talk about them. He isn't sure this is a case of Koizumi not being willing - no matter what the subject, Koizumi would always be irritatingly obtuse. If it was a matter of Haruhi or a matter of _this_ (whatever _this_ was), Kyon would always be left thinking over the numerous examples and metaphors before realising, hours later, that Koizumi had never answered his questions. He did so in such a skilful manner Kyon almost had to admire him for it, were it not for the fact that it was _so_ infuriating.

Nonetheless, some things seemed quite obvious as a manner of identification. If somebody came to you admitting feeling, then this suggested some matter of change was desired. Kyon couldn't think of a single situation in which an admission of feeling came from a desire for everything to remain the same - indeed, one would think it quite the opposite. Feelings were strange things that he'd never had particular interaction with; he cared for the various members of the SOS-dan in various and varying degrees, although he was quite glad that the lovely Asahina-san couldn't hear his inner monologue whenever she was nearby. There was _this_ and there was _that_ , but then Koizumi had approached him,

" _I would like to be in a relationship with you._ "

(And then he smiled.)

Saying something like that was quite obvious; to desire a relationship was to desire certain things from another person. Some manner of understanding. The priority of time. The development of feeling. It wasn't that Kyon hadn't half-heartedly suspected such a thing in the past - or at least, in his idle thought considered how strange Koizumi's occasional closeness could be, but saying _that_ knocked all ambiguity out of the water. And it was thinking back on it that Kyon would sometimes consider that, perhaps, just then, Koizumi's smile had been strained. Just a little. Just enough to notice. Because you didn't say something like that unless you had to, and you didn't say something with such a dramatic chance of failure if you hadn't already worn out all previous options. At the time, Kyon had said nothing. It wasn't exactly that he ran away, but he did at least walk from the clubroom without a word and, at that time, Koizumi hadn't tried to stop him.

It had taken days for Kyon's thoughts to quieten down. It took that long for even the first shard of rational thought to pierce his mind. A lot of thought along the lines of _I'm straight of course I'm straight_ , and then he would think, _of course I am. It was Koizumi who approached me in the first place, right?_

But then he thought, and he thought, and he continued thinking. He felt glad for the weekend that gave him space by himself. He felt glad for the random machinations of fate that hadn't landed him in the same class as Koizumi. He stared at the sky as he walked home and wondered why Koizumi would ever admit to something like that. Why _would_ you, though? He was a normal guy with normal desires. He didn't even want to think about what Koizumi's desires were like, but there was no way in which he could consider them _normal_.

He knew that if he stopped going to the clubroom after school, Haruhi would begin to notice. This was the girl who seemed to show irrational jealousy over any small manner of attention paid towards Asahina-san, when even Haruhi had been the one to bring her to the club in the first place for exactly those qualities. Haruhi was irrational, but some things were definite. It was fine for Koizumi to say those things (except it wasn't), but couldn't he say them to somebody who wasn't supposedly so important in keeping Haruhi's behaviour and mood in check...?

Eventually they were alone together, and it took a long time for the silence to break. Kyon had been surprised to discover that it had been his own voice causing that to happen.

" _... Koizumi._ "

" _Yes?_ " Still smiling, like always. Like nothing had happened, except it _had_ and Kyon couldn't ignore that.

" _... What you said..._ "

" _Yes?_ "

" _Why?_ "

That only caused a good-natured frown. "... _Why?_ "

" _Why did you say what you said. I don't--... why would you even say something like that?_ "

" _Because it's true_." So straightforward.

" _But you know it can never happen, right?_ "

" _... Indeed. But... I don't think I could have been satisfied without hearing those words from your lips. Thank you._ "

That time, Koizumi had been the one to leave the room.

If it had ended there, then perhaps Kyon could have understood it. Koizumi had had whatever feelings it was he chose to carry around, he wanted to get them out in the air to push their boundaries and see how far he could go, find himself denied, cope with that in whatever way he saw fit. Just another normal story of unrequited feelings. If it _had_ ended there, then perhaps they could have acted as if nothing had ever happened and chalked that event up to the wayward behaviour of youth.

Except, Kyon found his thoughts wandering in that direction even weeks afterward. Thinking about Koizumi, thinking about Koizumi's smile, thinking about how Koizumi was always able to keep smiling no matter _what_ and Kyon found himself thinking how cruel he'd been, somehow. Being so dismissive like that. If it had been some girl, would he have acted like that? If it had been somebody amazing, like Asahina-san? At first he'd acted without thinking, and now he was thinking without acting. He was right though, wasn't he? If you weren't interested in somebody, then that couldn't be helped. Wasn't that why people confessed in the first place, to find out if their feelings were possible? Of course, they would hope that their feelings _were_ possible, but then if they weren't, it would also set that straight too. And Koizumi had done so. And Kyon had responded. And they knew where they stood, now.

So when Kyon stopped Koizumi in the clubroom with a kiss that lingered for all its inexperience, Kyon didn't know what to make of that.

" _That's just to apologise... okay?_ "

Smile. " _Alright._ "

Again, if it had ended there... (but it didn't. And it didn't. And it went on and deeper and further and Kyon, for all his thinking on the subject, still couldn't quite deduce _why_. Again, Koizumi didn't try to stop him.)

Kyon knows that those seeking relationships are, quite obviously, seeking _relationships_. Koizumi had said that. This wasn't that. He fucks Koizumi into his mattress, with his fingers over Koizumi's mouth trying to block out any noise he might make, because the door is locked but his sister is still somewhere in the house. Each visit is like a countdown to how long until Kyon can't take it anymore; he thinks he did quite well this time, but it always ends with the same conclusion. And it's not like Koizumi is _that_ loud, but Kyon doesn't want to take the chance. This isn't anything like a relationship and he knows they both know that, but Koizumi won't say what he wants and Kyon doesn't know how to give that to him. And so he gives him this, instead. And it's not enough and he knows that, but Koizumi seems satisfied, for now.

Kyon goes back to his homework afterward, leaving Koizumi on his bed. He listens as Koizumi's breath evens out, coming to the end of a written sentence when he hears Koizumi's reluctant movement. He wonders if this silence is particularly awkward, or if it's always been like this. When he looks up, Koizumi is dressed and standing by the door and smiling, once more.

"... Well then. I'll see you at school tomorrow?"

Kyon doesn't get up. "Ah... yeah."

He doesn't mean that. What he _means_ is to ask every question that has plagued his mind since this began,

 _shouldn't we talk about this?_

 _is this really what you want?_

 _what is this, anyway?_

but he doesn't, and he doesn't follow Koizumi downstairs, and he remains seated as he hears the front door open and close. Then he hears movement thundering up the stairs; he gets up and walks to his door then, because it's going to be his sister wondering if that was Koizumi going home now, and the air in his bedroom feels cloying even to Kyon.

He says enough to pacify her, then closes the door and throws himself down on the bed. The sheets are still in disarray from where Koizumi left them. Kyon doesn't bother trying to reorganise them.

He _could_ have said something. He knows it. Every single time, he _knows_ it; each time is another opportunity but each time, he lets it slip through his fingers. Koizumi keeps coming back, keeps giving him new opportunities, but as Kyon lies in his bed he can't help but think that if things go on like this, maybe Koizumi will stop coming by. He doesn't know if that's what he wants, or if it's what he's afraid of. He should say something, but he doesn't know how to. He wonders if this is how Koizumi felt, keeping his feelings to himself for so long. It's not the _same_ , but he can't help but feel it somewhat similar.

He said he'd see Koizumi tomorrow at school, and he will.

That, Kyon supposes, is the next opportunity.


	2. Koizumi Chapter: Questions that can't be answered

Koizumi knows that it is usually better to keep your mouth closed when it comes to intricate plans, but also knows that the opposite can be just as much part of the plan as anything else.

"... you know the situation as well as I do. You might even know it better than I do."

"I still think you're an idiot." A pause. A deep breath. Exhaled smoke. "An _idiot_." (Just to make the point clear.)

Koizumi leans his head back against the Student Council President's shoulder, letting the scent of tobacco tickle the back of his throat. He won't go to the SOS-dan clubroom tonight, he decides. Cigarette smoke did seem to have a habit of sticking to one's clothes, and Koizumi sometimes finds himself surprised he doesn't carry it around more often, though he also knows he might be too used to it to notice. Nonetheless, nobody ever asks him.

"Come now, I'd like to think I was slightly better than that."

"Moron, then."

"I wonder..."

"Retard?"

"I don't believe that's politically correct."

"Well, whatever. You can get off me, now. You're heavy."

"Maybe I don't feel like it."

"Maybe whatever. Get off." He pushes, but Koizumi lets himself be pushed. He picks himself neatly up from the floor, pulling up his trousers and doing up the buttons on his shirt. He looks over to see the Student Council President doing more or less the same. Adjusting his tie. Pausing every now and then to inhale deeply from his cigarette. Absent-mindedly dropping ash on the polished floor. Eventually he seems to notice this and takes aim at the fallen remnants with the heel of his shoe, then going back to the main desk where his ashtray lies. "... it's really that bad?"

Picking up from where their conversation had left off. Many things happen in the Student Council meeting-room when nobody else is around, but business always comes first; there's no time for post-coital bliss _here_. Koizumi smiles and rocks on his heels, "I believe so. Not so bad that we don't have time to make preparations, but... bad enough that we have to make preparations to begin with."

"And you really think this is the best way?"

"It's _a_ way."

"... Your shirt's untucked at the back."

"Oh? Ah, thank you." Koizumi rectified himself. "I just think it's about time certain loyalties were made clear."

"And that's your idea of 'clear', is it?"

Running his hands over the front of his blazer to smoothen it down, Koizumi straightened his tie once more, just to be sure. "A little persuasion never hurt anybody."

This caused a humourless laugh, as the Student Council President made to put his cigarette out. "A _little_ persuasion...?! In that case, I wouldn't like to see you get serious about anything..."

Another smile, bright enough to touch the line crossing over into 'patronising'. "Be glad you'll never get the chance."

"Cocky, aren't you...!" He lit another cigarette. "How cold."

"I think I can afford to be, at this point."

"Yeah, well... whatever you want to do. Be it on your own head. If you're going to be running around at the behest of stupid plans, don't expect me to bail you out when it all goes wrong. I'll watch, but I won't be helping."

"Just as I'd expect." Koizumi put his hand to the doorframe, "Well, then. I'll be off, for today."

"Running back off to your little Brigade...?"

"I think it's a bit late for that... maybe tomorrow. Or maybe I'll come back here? I don't know. What do you think?"

A shrug. "Whatever you feel like."

"Indeed."

The school corridors are empty by the time Koizumi finds himself walking down them, and he feels the freedom to set a more serious expression to his face as he walks. It rained during the course of the school day, and as he walks past open windows, he slows and lets himself inhale the cold, fresh air. Some part of his brain tricks him into almost missing the atmosphere of the Student Council's meeting-room in comparison; he smiles at that, and continues to walk. _Nasty habit_.

He might go there tomorrow, or he might go to the SOS-dan clubroom. He might go straight home. All of these options are free for him to pick, after all. He is perhaps due a visit to the clubroom, however; he knows that Kyon has been making his visits a little more scarce of recent, and knows that entirely his own fault. The less Kyon goes and the less he himself goes, the less likely either of them are of meeting up on the offchance. To behave like that is to behave like something is wrong, and Koizumi knows that that can't happen.

The Student Council President, Koizumi knows, probably thinks himself his current closest ally. Antagonistic, but still allied to his faction. In a way, that's true. The latter part of that thought contains no lie. At the same time, for him to consider himself _close_ , even so far as to consider himself the closest... that was perhaps overstating his position. Nonetheless, Koizumi didn't expect anything less from him - that kind of behaviour was just like him. And he was free to think that, as much as he liked. Thinking himself close allowed him some manner of comfort in the situation, let him think himself somewhat 'above' the others. Whichever others he felt the need to feel himself above in the first place. That was fine. He could think what he liked.

Their relationship is part convenience, part boredom, part _whatever_. It isn't particularly tender, but Koizumi never expected it to be. If he wanted _that_ , he wouldn't have gone to the Student Council President to begin with. And sometimes he likes to tease and taunt because he thinks it might ruffle Koizumi's feathers, " _I'm not who you want, am I?_ "... Koizumi can't bring himself to care. Saying something like that was only stating a fact, after all.

It all began with a command from above. As far as Suzumiya Haruhi's outward behaviour went, Koizumi couldn't say he'd noticed anything untoward. At the same time, his phone seemed to fill up with missed calls and abbreviated messages - it wasn't precisely a _surge_ as per se, but reports seemed to indicate this period a kind of calm before the storm. What storm that would be, nobody could tell; it just seemed best to try to prevent it before anybody had the chance to find out. This was however difficult with no particular indication from Haruhi herself, and the longer this went on the more Koizumi found himself doubting those reports. He had become accustomed to Haruhi's behaviour over time, enough to know that she never tried to hide whatever joy or displeasure she happened to carry. Koizumi looked to the reports to amend his personal conclusions, not so that they could make them for him. When it came to Suzumiya Haruhi, he knew any faction capable of being biased; just because he happened to be attached to the Organisation didn't make this any less likely.

Koizumi didn't mind them wanting to keep an eye on Haruhi; all factions seemed similar in this regard. Instead, it was the growing trend of attention cast towards Kyon that made him wary. Keeping an eye on him was one thing, but reports and orders seemed to grow more demanding as time went on. Then came that one order, with only one line. One command. Koizumi remembered staring at the piece of paper in his bed that night, having no idea how to go about doing such a thing; he'd been told to confirm Kyon's loyalties, but given no specifics.

Koizumi has his concerns, but never voices them. It doesn't help when other people voice them for him. The Student Council President smiled as he confirmed Koizumi's fears, " _They'll want him soon, you know. Your alien girl's already tried to have him killed already, hasn't she?_ "

" _Actually, that wasn't--_ "

" _He's just as important as Suzumiya is, and nobody knows why. People are going to be looking for answers soon, Koizumi. You might want to switch your attentions to somebody not quite so... desired._ " A smirk. " _If they take him away from you, you're probably not going to be getting him back._ "

The irritation of useless feelings burns in his chest like a flame he can't extinguish; as much as he doesn't like to admit it, the Student Council President has a point. He'd always known any particular feeling towards Kyon useless through virtue of him being 'the one chosen by Suzumiya Haruhi', that was the bottom line, but even so - there were a lot more lines to get through before you reached the bottom, after all. Kyon was an ordinary human being, but one who seemed capable of, through one way or another, calming and subtly influencing Suzumiya Haruhi. Any faction could see that this was a powerful tool, and it looked like the orders from the Organisation were beginning to reflect this.

Koizumi knows where his own loyalties lie, at least; before the Organisation comes the SOS-dan, and before the SOS-dan itself comes Kyon. He won't admit this to anybody, simply because nobody else needs to know. If they ended up in a situation in which such a thing came to the fore, then that couldn't be helped. Until then, Koizumi was quite fine with reflecting particular beliefs back towards whoever he happened to be talking to at the time - not least due to the fact that if anybody from the Organisation were to seriously believe his loyalties were to lie anywhere other than with them and them alone, he would find himself replaced and replaced quickly. He finds himself considering that more and more often these days, often finding himself quite morose at how easy a change that would be to implement. A little of _this_ and a little of _that_ and Haruhi might never be aware the SOS-dan had a member named Koizumi Itsuki to begin with. And then what? Well, nothing. She wouldn't be his concern anymore.

Koizumi had mentioned before, merely as a possibility, the theory that Asahina Mikuru was sent from the future in order to 'seduce' Kyon; perhaps not literally (or just not yet), but she _was_ the kind of person he seemed to have a weakness for. If her faction wished to take advantage of Kyon's position in the overall scheme of things, Koizumi had to admit they'd selected a very versatile playing-piece in which to use. Even the Integrated Data Sentient Entity's own representative seemed to have her own moments, though Koizumi felt that she was in the same situation as he himself was; if it came to a choice between the Integrated Data Sentient Entity and the SOS-dan, he had a sneaking suspicion she might choose the latter. This soothed him somewhat, but only somewhat; Asahina Mikuru was still a very unknown factor, but Koizumi knew he couldn't do anything about that. Knew it wasn't his _place_ to do anything about that. As far as his orders went, she was just another being from another faction observing Suzumiya Haruhi. Their interests ran alongside one another, but wouldn't clash unless she became particularly volatile. This had not yet happened. Koizumi hoped that it wouldn't.

He knew that he had to be careful with his confession towards Kyon; even in that situation, he had to word it in such a way that gave nothing away. His own feelings were secondary in a situation in which he wished to keep Kyon close by, more for Kyon's own sake than anything like his own. The part of him that still burnt with useless personal feelings hated that he was putting such a plan in motion, but rational thought told him he probably wouldn't have another chance anyway. There was no room in this situation for the normal love confession of normal students; on so many levels, the two of them were anything but. He couldn't help a bitter smile to think of how he'd warned Kyon against the possible seduction from Asahina, only to undertake practically the same tactic himself. Would Kyon notice any underhand motives here? No, of course not. He was too trusting for that. Koizumi loved and hated that both at once. As he'd stood in front of Kyon and stated his piece he'd felt guilty for the hint of manipulation taking place, but knew he'd rather be him with orders from the Organisation as his excuse than any of the _others_.

Again, this had earnt a smirking comment from the Student Council President. " _You really think he'll go for it?_ "

" _No, of course he won't. However, ideally, this would spur his thoughts on considering who his feelings really lie with. That, in turn, should provoke his own personal realisation towards Suzumiya Haruhi; his loyalties would be confirmed, and with any luck, perhaps I might stop receiving such obtuse orders from those in command...if this chain reaction can cancel Suzumiya-san's storm warning, then I would be content with that._ "

" _And it's not enough just to ask him 'hey, how about dating Suzumiya', is it?_ "

" _I don't think that would work. That may stir his thoughts for an evening or perhaps two, but I think we would also find them quickly dismissed. However, if he is the target of someone's own earnest feelings..._ "

" _You're so earnest it kills me._ "

" _... in any case. I think this the best course of action._ "

" _Well, I think it's a stupid plan and you're an idiot for thinking it up, but whatever. Do what you like. Oh, and Koizumi?_ "

" _Yes?_ "

" _I don't believe you, you know. Why you're doing this. Don't think it's not completely obvious, because it is. I know it, and I know you know it too._ "

Koizumi wondered if that was the only and closest time the Student Council President had got towards showing any kind of actual concern towards him and his own, _actual_ feelings. However, if it was, then that was his own business. Koizumi ignored it, " _You don't need to believe me. You don't strictly need to know this, even. I only told you because I thought you might be interested._ "

" _Right._ "

Again, Koizumi had a feeling he wasn't believed on that point, either. He didn't care. That wasn't his problem.

And so he'd told Kyon he wished to be in a relationship with him, because (on several levels) that was true, and also innocuous enough in comparison to _some_ of the things he could have said as a confession. He smiled after he spoke. He stared straight at Kyon and watched as, without saying a single thing, he left the room. Koizumi waited until it seemed certain that Kyon wouldn't be returning, then made himself a cup of tea. He drank it slowly while looking out of the unmoving landscape outside of the clubroom window; he hadn't really expected any other kind of reaction (or at least, if he had, that was the least traumatic for either of them). The part of him which burnt flared to pain through disappointment, but that was only one section of his feelings and only one level of things he had to consider. Perhaps, after all, the original justification for the 'plan' would come to fruition, and then at least he could issue a formal _I told you_ so to the Student Council.

After that, Kyon seemed to catch him alone only to reiterate his previous point; that too had hurt to some degree, but it was in no way unexpected.

Suzumiya Haruhi's mood had not yet worsened.

Kyon caught him after school and kissed him. Koizumi didn't understand that, and didn't dare to hope that anything more could or would happen - because it wouldn't, surely? Kyon explained that kiss away under the reason of apology. Koizumi wasn't sure he believed that, but accepted it at face value. Treasured that brief memory of feeling hopelessly caught at the forefront of his desire, allowing that selfish want to be, in that moment, his most important command. It was a kiss both nervous and unsure and Koizumi didn't want to come across as too experienced in comparison, through fear that such a thing might intimidate Kyon. He held himself back and let Kyon do what he wished and knew, even as it was happening, that he would store that memory deep where nobody could touch or sully it. It was a kiss that was unknowingly cruel through how it made him yearn, but endearingly innocent to consider Kyon's own motivations. Perhaps this _was_ his (somewhat confused) idea of an apology, after all.

It went further than that, which was something Koizumi had never reasonably expected. Perhaps Kyon was at the stage of life at which he was 'curious'. Perhaps he thought acting on those thoughts was the best way to work them out. Whatever the case was, Koizumi wasn't going to argue against a good opportunity when one arose. And yet, for all of that, it still felt somehow... _empty_. If he only wanted meaningless sex, then he just had to go to the Student Council meeting-room for that. At the same time, he didn't know how much he could reasonably confide to Kyon, either. Between the forced secrecy of his own feelings and the possible threat of manipulation through the Organisation, Koizumi didn't know what to do; this hadn't gone specifically as planned, but secretly, he couldn't exactly be unhappy about that. It perhaps wasn't as romantic a relationship as it could be, but everything had to start somewhere. If he had that dissatisfaction, it was only a fairly luxurious kind of unhappiness. When else would he have had the chance to feel dissatisfied over such particular circumstances? He would hold Kyon close and cherish that warmth (and that _heat_ ) in the absence of anything more affectionate.

And then, even _then_ , Kyon still asks uncomfortable questions. The one Koizumi hates most is " _What do you want?_ "

So many answers to that, but none that he feels he could freely admit. And Kyon really seems to want to know, only causing Koizumi to curse the situation that forces his silence so.

" _What do you want, Koizumi?_ "

He thinks about this after Kyon has fucked him, as he lies on Kyon's bed and Kyon's gone back to his homework with a palpable air of _I don't know what to do with you so I'll just leave you there_. Koizumi thinks about that question and watches Kyon's back, hunched over in front of his desk as he scribbles away at his latest answer. He lies there and he thinks, and he turns away, and he thinks. What does he want? This, maybe. Months ago, he'd have been happy for this. This, but not like _this_. This, but _more_. This was the prologue, but they seemed to be making no progress within the personal narrative of a 'couple'. Koizumi didn't know how to achieve that, and felt deeply irritated that they'd come this far for him still to have that kind of obstacle. Physical relationships were one thing, but the emotional... that was something else entirely, and Koizumi supposed that his dealings with the Student Council President had done nothing to aid him in this respect.

Kyon asks him what he wants, and Koizumi knows. He also knows that he could never say such things out loud, not in the current climate. Not with Suzumiya Haruhi as she is. Not with the Organisation as it is. Not with all those _other_ factions as they currently are.

Koizumi gives his parting words, knowing he won't get much in response. He'll see Kyon at school tomorrow? Of course. Of course he will. They'll meet at the clubroom and school will be school and Haruhi will be Haruhi and everything will be as it always was, but slightly different, for _this_. He walks away from Kyon's house, travelling a little distance before he allows himself to turn back. He stands in the middle of the path and simply stares at Kyon's house as several full minutes pass.

What he wants, he supposes, is the opportunity to visit without feeling any obligation - not towards the Organisation, not to himself, not to Kyon. He wants such things to happen because it feels natural for them to, not because it seems like the easiest form of communication; words can be confusing but a warm body, less so. He wants to lie on Kyon's bed without that awkward silence between them. He wants to be able to visit without feeling, the moment he steps through the front doorway, that he'll have to leave before the night is through.

He wants a reality in which their relationship is no threat to Suzumiya Haruhi and she in turn no threat to them, but Koizumi knows that _that_ is impossible. There may be a time in the future when all of this is over, but that isn't and can't be just yet and he _knows_ it.

Kyon asks him what he wants, and Koizumi always dodges the question simply because he knows that Kyon can't grant him any of these things, and so they're not worth even saying. Such things rely on too many factors, and their relationship - for what it's worth - is already the biggest anomaly of them all. Perhaps this in itself is a betrayal towards the Organisation - or perhaps, Koizumi thinks with a tight feeling in his chest, it is only the first step in their attempts to ensure that Kyon is loyal to _them_ and not the other factions, in which even his own private feelings would be so manipulated. There had to be some reason or another why _he_ was chosen for this mission above anybody else, after all. He doesn't like that thought, but doesn't think he can escape it, either.

Kyon asks him what he wants, and he never replies. This does not seem to put Kyon off asking, and though he feels he _can't_ reply, Koizumi treasures that nonetheless.

What Koizumi _really_ wants is the opportunity to be able to answer Kyon honestly someday. He doesn't know under what circumstances such a situation could fall, but this doesn't stop him from hoping.

He turns around, shoving his hands in his pockets as he continues to walk away.

 _Not yet._


End file.
